This is the centerpiece from the reception after my mother's memorial yesterday. The roses were almost closed yesterday, promising more beauty to come upon opening. I debated in my mind if I really wanted to keep the token of her memorial, as if trying to keep away the grief, but something inside urged me to take it home and display it in a prominent place.
The memorial was perfect in so many ways. The readings, music, and sermon all provided a message and experience of celebrating the movement from life to death as a transition, not an ending. The sermon particularly and poignantly directed us to the mystery of God and God's ways! God uses everything for good according to God's purposes, which are better than we could ask, hope for, or imagine. Along the way there are losses, disappointments, even tragedies, that cause pain. But God can redeem anything and turn it into blessings for ourselves and others.
In death and after, there is loss and it hurts, some times more than others, like waves crashing on shore. Some waves are barely noticed, others knock you over or, at least off your path, and, at the very least, creating unbalance, later causing you to fall down. Often the waves that are hardest come unexpectedly in surprising ways. The memories that appear are mixed and travel the mind, dancing to different rhythms and pausing over some more than others, provoking a variety of feelings, like the sounds of various instruments in an orchestra's performance. Some of the movements are difficult, others almost impossible to bear.
A few of the losses I have experienced cannot be shared with most people, others are losses I thought might be temprorary abscences of important aspects of my life, things that I gave up over the last 4 years in my decision to help my mom have more quality of life, while maintianing my health. Some of those losses I am now finding I can never recapture or retrieve. More death, more empty places to fill!
I passed by the floral arrangement this morning barely noticing, perhaps even denying its existence in the room, like I sometimes do with my feelings. Later today, I felt some sadness and tears from various sources of pain, and looking at the memorial token, I was reminded of the love and support I felt yesterday, something I have been deprived of for many months by the demands of my mother's care. The warmth and soothing washed over me and I noticed the open roses delivering their promise of more beauty and the expansion of my life into new blossoms and the ongoing cycle of life.
