I sometimes hate decisions! I love having options and the freedom to choose. But when there are risks or possible negative consequences, it is very hard for me to decide which alternative to take. I just really hate risks - the risk of failure; the risk of loss or being hurt; the risk of hurting or disappointing someone else. Sometimes there are several or all three kinds of risks involved. Then it really gets difficult. I learned early on to take the 'safest' route, which meant not upsetting anyone else. My life depended on it! I nearly died more than once, and even was clinically dead for a short time, because of the behavior of others. I thought I could keep myself safe by pleasing others. It was an illusion; an illusion that kept me sane and feeling safe. Otherwise, I could not have withstood the feelings of terror, if I knew I really had no control over my safety. But it did not really keep me safe. In the long run, over many years, this habit of pleasing others to my own detriment, led me to serious health problems and long term disability. I had gained the approval, recognition and even financial reward of pleasing others, but I nearly lost my life. I have worked for many years to let go of the fears, to seek and follow God's Will, to try to take care of myself, to discern and live in the truth, to understand my needs and weigh them against the needs of others. I am much better at making decisions that are best for all concerned. But I still have problems when my needs demand that I not meet the needs of another, or even risk hurting them or losing their affection, especially if they mean a lot to me. It is a very hard place to go against the strong desires of others who cannot understand my position or situation. Ultimately, I am responsible for myself. If I do something that causes too much harm to myself, I am not able to carry on or be there for anyone else, and I can cause more harm than good. Today I had to make one of those choices. I needed to rest and could not be there for someone else. I knew the consequences of not resting would affect my health and prevent me from living my life and meeting my responsibilities. I knew that some would not understand, and would even shun me, or at least make me the subject of gossip. But I am learning that my friends understand and love me. God loves me. And we know the truth. I can only make decisions in line with the truth, consistent with who I am and who God wants me to be. The truth will set me free! Free to be who I was meant to be in this world, which is good. And I can even love those others who do not understand, because they are only human, and I might feel the same way in their place, not knowing or possibly understanding the whole truth! Decide for yourselves! Decide for the truth! Decide for the good of all, including yourself! May the truth be yours to know and to set you free! Fondly, Dee
