I love a mystery! Do you? Really?

I have always loved mysteries! Mystery stories, mystery quizzes, mystery puzzles. Anything that was missing an explanation. I loved Perry Mason, Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, who-done-it's. And figuring out how it was done: CSI, the TV series and all the spin-offs. That is the catch of many soap operas: trying to figure out what really happened, what was going to happen, to whom and when. Who shot President Kennedy? Was there really a Bermuda Triangle? How do caterpillars become butterflies? All mysteries. Solving them can be fun, satisfying and certainly brain challenging. Hence the popularity of the TV series LOST. There was a year the series got too confusing and people stopped watching. They could not figure enough out.

The biggest mystery of all: GOD. Is there a God? Who is God? Where is God? What is God doing? What is God going to do? Only one problem. God is unfathomable. We cannot figure that out and sometimes, that makes us angry or at least frustrated and confused. We really do not like mysteries we cannot solve or are not revealed to us satisfactorily. The secret to keeping us hooked is just enough information to keep us thinking we are going to get the answers we think we want. But with God, often there are no answers. And some of the answers are not what we want to hear.

The real secret, that brings peace and joy, is we do not have to figure it out! We just have to come to believe and accept what is out of our control, doing what we can to change things for the better. But that is not easy for most of us. We want to understand. We want to see, and feel, and know the answers. And we want the answers to satisfy our sense of right and wrong, and justice and fairness. If we could see the whole picture, from beginning to end, with all the multitude of players and histories; if we could possibly even begin to comprehend all of what is or ever has been in every moment of every things' existence until the end of time, we might just come to understand with satisfaction and compassion. But that is impossible. Only God can know all that is for all time for all things and "figure it out".

So the mystery remains a mystery. But when we accept what is seen and known as part of a much bigger picture and enjoy the parts that are there for us to enjoy every moment, enduring what is painful when it is, even if seemingly unbearable, we can grow to an awareness of a God who loves us unconditionally, leading us along the best path possible, providing everything we need along the way, bringing good things out of painful things, and comforting and healing the pains we have to endure. And, it gets easier. We grow more peaceful, more thankful, more patient, more loving, more strong. We learn about ourselves, and others and about God. We do what we can to make things better for everyone. And we can give up trying to solve the mystery and begin to find gratitude and awe in the mystery that enfolds us with love, compassion, provision, mercy, wisdom and grace in unbelievable ways, beyond our imagination or ability to find the answers in any way that makes sense or gives timely satisfaction.

Happy Mother's Day! Perfected Parenthood....

More thoughts and memories of mom today. I tried to avoid Mother's Day this year since my mom passed so recently, but it was unavoidable. Messages were everywhere. Mother's Day wishes have been coming from all directions and sources. Mother's Day is a big deal! We all have mothers of one sort or another. And in some way or variety of ways, we have been like a mother at one time or another to someone, if only in a small way for a little while. Even men act in mothering ways at times.

What do we think of as mothering? Nurturing, comforting, hugging, warming, kissing, cooing, emotional support, feeding, teaching, discipline, direction, guidance, nursing, healing, bandaging wounds. Some mothers have other characteristics: abandoning, rejecting, scolding, criticizing, judging, denying, bullying. Some traits are subtle. A few award winning. Others overwhelming, smothering, suffocating, destructive or murderous.

All of us are mothers in one way or another at one time or other. None are perfect. Except one! My God is a good mother, the most perfect of all! My God provides all my needs at all levels, in the most perfect ways, usually in surprising ways if I let God be God and surrender to the "parenting". God always knows more than I do, before I could ever discover even a part. God knows exactly the best way to give me what I need, direct and guide me where and when and what to do for my best and the best good of others. God can teach me what I need to know when I need it. God also disciplines and corrects, but in merciful and gentle ways if I respond with a desire to listen and do the best I can.

God can heal any wound and love unconditionally in abundant, lavish ways. And if I ask for the wisdom and ways to be, as best I can, a "mother" to others, God can do that too! I will never be perfect, but God is perfecting the motherhood in all of us that surrender to the parenting of God!

The Cycle of Life, Losses and Transitions

This is the centerpiece from the reception after my mother's memorial yesterday. The roses were almost closed yesterday, promising more beauty to come upon opening. I debated in my mind if I really wanted to keep the token of her memorial, as if trying to keep away the grief, but something inside urged me to take it home and display it in a prominent place.

The memorial was perfect in so many ways. The readings, music, and sermon all provided a message and experience of celebrating the movement from life to death as a transition, not an ending. The sermon particularly and poignantly directed us to the mystery of God and God's ways! God uses everything for good according to God's purposes, which are better than we could ask, hope for, or imagine. Along the way there are losses, disappointments, even tragedies, that cause pain. But God can redeem anything and turn it into blessings for ourselves and others.

In death and after, there is loss and it hurts, some times more than others, like waves crashing on shore. Some waves are barely noticed, others knock you over or, at least off your path, and, at the very least, creating unbalance, later causing you to fall down. Often the waves that are hardest come unexpectedly in surprising ways. The memories that appear are mixed and travel the mind, dancing to different rhythms and pausing over some more than others, provoking a variety of feelings, like the sounds of various instruments in an orchestra's performance. Some of the movements are difficult, others almost impossible to bear.

A few of the losses I have experienced cannot be shared with most people, others are losses I thought might be temprorary abscences of important aspects of my life, things that I gave up over the last 4 years in my decision to help my mom have more quality of life, while maintianing my health. Some of those losses I am now finding I can never recapture or retrieve. More death, more empty places to fill!

I passed by the floral arrangement this morning barely noticing, perhaps even denying its existence in the room, like I sometimes do with my feelings. Later today, I felt some sadness and tears from various sources of pain, and looking at the memorial token, I was reminded of the love and support I felt yesterday, something I have been deprived of for many months by the demands of my mother's care. The warmth and soothing washed over me and I noticed the open roses delivering their promise of more beauty and the expansion of my life into new blossoms and the ongoing cycle of life.

Losses and life changes! Happy St Patty's Day!

This is my mom on her birthday at a beautiful garden here in 2009. I took over the management of her care the previous year and she moved on to better gardens in heaven last Saturday. Her passing was difficult for me, although she had no pain. The pain was all mine in losing her a bit at a time over a few weeks. Thank God it did not happen over months or years, like many have to endure. The reason I have not posted in a while is due to my focus on her care and maintaining my own health, trying to get enough rest as I could given all the amount of urgent activities and decisions.

It helps that I have learned to rely on God. I did not have a partner or other family around to help and many of my friends have moved away to other geographical areas. My two closest friends were out of town and without phone service at their locations. But God provided wonderful people who prayed, called, texted and even appeared, at just the right moments when I needed someone to be with me, even if to hear their voice on the phone or read their text and receive their "virtual hugs". A new friend who lives out of town most of the year (a snow duck, as she calls herself), appeared and was with me most of the day my mother died, and more importantly, was with me at the moment my mother expired so I was not alone. I knew God was with me, but sometimes we need someone in the "flesh" to comfort and strengthen through our senses, and not just in the spirit or virtually "away". 

Losses are difficult. Any change is really just a loss of one thing or another. If we can practice letting go and grieving the little losses and changes in our lives, the bigger losses and changes get easier, but some are never "easy" and some are traumatic. If we can accept things we cannot plan or control (which is mostly everything), trusting an all-powerful, higher power that knows every thing we need, knows everything about every thing past, present and future; who loves us unconditionally and delights in providing all that we need and all that makes us joyful (not just happy for a time), life can be so much more full and abundant, no matter what is going on, even if we have less than we think would make us "happy". My God is like that! The more I let go, trust and believe, the more I experience the many ways God is there for me, loving me unconditionally and providing all that brings me joy, peace and fulfillment in my life no matter what is happening. Thank God!

She is in a better place!

God is always there, waiting for us to find Him! Search and you will find!

I believe we are all born with a deep desire to be with God! This longing feels like hunger that drives us to endless searching for something to satisfy. Without training about the spiritual life, one goes about seeking to fill our "hunger" with many things: possessions, fun, laughter, relationships, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, entertainment and pleasure of any kind. If we are able to try many of these things, we realize that eventually we are still feeling the emptiness or hunger for "something else" or something "more". That something else is God, the source of everything, and provider of all our needs, who knows best what will make us the most happy and does more for us than we could hope for or imagine.

I have come to believe that God is anxiously waiting for us to discover that He is waiting to be our everything, our first desire and source of our very being, the foundation and ground of our soul, if we allow. It is how we were created and meant to be. When a relationship with God is nurtured and becomes strong, nothing can compare with the contentment and joy, peace and satisfaction arising from intimacy with God. God has so much more for us than we can understand, think can be possible or feel we deserve.

When young I somehow came to believe that God was waiting to punish me, to deny my wishes, limit my world and prohibit much of what I thought would make me happy. I decided that to be happy, I would have to seek what I wanted through much hard work, manipulation, acquisition and control. WRONG! That did not work! When I finally had much of what I thought would make me happy, I felt empty, unhappy and dissatisfied. It led to exhaustion, disease, loss and despair. Thank God, God was waiting for me to discover another way through a relationship with Him.

After many years of searching various spiritual beliefs and practices, I have come back to the basics. Faith helps a lot, something that I lost early in my childhood through much betrayal and abuse by those who had the responsibility to nurture, care and give me unconditional love. But God is faithful even if we are not. God loves us and cares for us unconditionally. If we ask, pray and seek His "face", eventually God leads us to the truth and the joys of experiencing His love and providential caring and guidance. God is there all the time. How much time we give to God to develop and nurture a relationship with Him will make the difference. I have found that Jesus Christ came to show us the way "to the Father", a way we could not ever find on our own. The good news is that the way is always open and it always works, even  though not perfectly or immediately, but that is only limited by us and our limitations and hesitations and doubts. Jesus is knocking for you to let Him in! Can you give Him a little time?

Opening the Many Gifts available along life's paths!

This picture depicts to me the many gifts that lie waiting for each of us along our many paths in life! It does not matter where we stop or turn, there are always piles and piles of gifts of all shapes and sizes, waiting to be seen, or not; waiting to be opened, or not; and waiting to be enjoyed to their fullest if we desire! Some are surprising! Some are unusual and take time to figure out. Some require a bit of instruction to "assemble". But all are designed perfectly for us, without any missing or damaged parts, for us to use and enjoy, and are available to help give all of us an abundant life, if we desire. We also can pass many of them on to others to help, heal and give joy.

Some come in friendships or just acquaintances. Frequently I find them in encounters with strangers. Often I discover many come with hardship and pain, sometimes in difficulties or even seeming attack or injury. But if I can stop before judging or reacting negatively to anything, I find there are gifts in every experience of life, no matter how difficult or painful. Even in an emergency or urgent crisis, evidence shows we are more effective if we are calm, taking time to sop and pray for wisdom, peace and help, if only for a moment. God gives us strength, comfort and support, all gifts. Even grief and sorrow can cleanse and heal older hurts that have never been attended to.

Sometimes the gifts are not seen right away or we are still waiting for the one that makes us feel really good, but as we are waiting and trusting in God, God provides the little gifts along the way that smooth the path, strengthen us and comfort the hurts, if we surrender to what we cannot control, turn everything over to God, especially what we find painful, disappointing, discouraging or frightening, and pray for wisdom and discernment, peace and stillness of heart, mind and spirit. God always provides the supply of all we need when needed.  God is not usually early but God is never late! Keep looking for the gifts, ask to be shown the way, God's way. When the gifts are seen, be thankful for even the little ones and realize there really are no little ones and lots we take for granted. En-JOY life along life's way on  life's terms, always good according to God's provision and leading.

Growing Faith into a Tree of Life, Peace and Joy!

Faith takes time to grow, a lot of work, practice and patience, and protecting small levels of faith in the storms of life. But, experiencing the fruits of faith: peace, joy, serenity and trust, is well worth all the hard work and patient endurance.  It seems not that long ago, that I had very little faith. My symptoms were constant anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, depression, despair, controlling behavior and constant efforts of analyzing and developing plans and alternatives for managing my life. I sought many teachers, methods, beliefs and tools for the wisdom and labors I thought I needed for controlling and managing my life as I perceived it and wanted it to be. I had very little acceptance of anything or anyone that was not the way I had planned or expected. I certainly had no self acceptance of myself, being unlike what I wanted or thought I should be, or how others told me I should be.

Today I am really beginning to experience the fruits of my faith in a delicious and productive way! Seemingly facing more challenges than ever, I find daily many opportunities to practice my faith, something essential to grow it. Without the need to practice, when everything is going very well, just the way I like or expect, I can sink into believing I am in control and the "old" patterns start to emerge.

Yesterday I had another opportunity when walking into my kitchen for the first time for the day. While getting myself a cup of water, I found the refrigerator light off. I thought it was the bulb, but then for some reason (my higher power), I checked the freezer light and it was also off. It seemed unusually quiet, so I turned up the temperature dial and the system did not cycle on. I assumed my fridge needed repair. Ugh! Then again something told me to look around as I was praying for help, something I have learned to do right away. I noticed the microwave was dark and then that the phone light was off. Checking both, they were dead. I tried the fuse box switches but everything seemed OK. I moved the phone cord to another outlet and it turned on. It was an electric problem. Ugh! I prayed some more.

Calling a couple of friends and one of my neighbors who works in construction, I took down the names and numbers of some electricians whom I proceeded to call. Leaving messages but wanting immediate help, I got on the Internet and searched for ratings of electricians and called a couple more after my research, still praying for God's help and guidance, believing all would work out OK. One of my friends had mentioned the need for a new fuse box and while looking on line, I noticed the prices for that was in thousands! OMG! I started to panic, and then again, practiced my faith that things would get taken care of. I did not know what was wrong, as I have learned many times: that I often do not know the true reality of my situation or of the myriad of possibilities for outcomes. I have learned not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions that seem obvious to me. If I pray, I am learning God leads me to the truth of my reality. I have come to trust in God who provides all my needs and works things out for good, if only to grow my faith in the process.

One of the contractors I found on the Internet was calling me back and while on the line with him, another call came in and something told me to take the other call. My usual logic is the first call is best but it was a strong hunch, so I told the first caller I would have to call them back and took the second call. Reluctantly (because of my systematic brain and usual logic) I told the second caller to come right over. It was as if another person within me was making my decisions (my spirit!)  I needed my fridge working since I had just filled it with groceries only hours past and did not want to throw everything out, so I went ahead with the quick, seemingly irrational decision. A few minutes later, the electrician called me back and told me one of my next door neighbors who I had not called, just called him and the electrician realized it was an outside problem with my electric utility after asking me a few more questions while I checked out my oven and AC, both not working but on other fuses and electric circuits. He was honest enough not to show up and charge me the emergency call visit anyway. He told me to call him back if it turned out otherwise.

I called the utility and was told there were no other reports. I called my neighbor and asked him and another neighbor who was having a similar problem to call the utility. A few minutes later, we were advised of a construction project that had damaged some equipment causing the higher voltage power not to be working, so each of my neighbors had different symptoms, depending on their wiring, but was caused by the damage to the utility's system. A utility truck was present on a few minutes. Nine  neighbors were impacted and we all saved emergency repair call costs, getting our power back in a few hours. Yeah!!! The probability of me calling the same electrician as my next door neighbor in a city with hundreds (maybe thousands) of electricians is amazing, on top of me finding one that was honest enough not to charge me unnecessarily. Wow!

All the time, I experienced a lot of calm, peace and certainty that everything would work out despite my financial situation and busy schedule for the day. God even used the process of checking things out to help me find something in my kitchen that I was looking for and had not been able to find!  I had my moments of frustration and panic, but truly only moments, and not minutes or hours, or even days, of unrest, anxiety and unhappiness interfering with my life! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Let us rejoice and be glad! This is the day that the Lord has made!

My life seems to be full of challenges daily, especially the last 4 years when I took on managing my mother's care. This was on top of already dealing with health problems and disability that forced me to give up my career 22 years ago, fighting like crazy against doctors' conclusions that it was inevitable and unavoidable. The last 2 years, the challenges have been increasing in quantity and strength, like lifting weights under the supervision of  a personal trainer who is continually adding pounds.

I believe God is my personal trainer who cares about me and my increasing strength, but often seems unrelenting and almost sadistic in pushing me into dealing with more and more.  The results of course are rewarding, like the firming muscles, developing body curves and lost pounds from physical workouts, I am developing my faith and trust muscles and growing my soul to receive more and more joy and peace in my life, no matter the circumstances, which today are increasingly difficult for growing numbers of people. The great thing about my personal trainer, God, is that God is always there, loving and supporting me, providing all I need with encouragement and deep abiding comfort, if I continually turn to God in acceptance of what is, surrendering to God's guidance and provision, in the ways and timing only God can provide. God's ways are often frustrating to my plans and expectations, but are undeniable proof to me of God's constant existence and loving action in my life.

I love when God puts a thought in my head (or a song in my heart) especially when my thoughts have been disturbing or depressing, based on the difficult circumstances of my life, and the resulting songs or feelings from these circumstances have been sadness, hopelessness, depression or even anger. I have been hearing this phrase in my head every day for weeks: "This is the day that the Lord has made. Rejoice and be glad! " It is the 24th verse from Psalm 118.  I have been saying it each day as it comes to my mind on the way out of bed, with a little more meaning every day in reflecting on what it means to me. Today it finally took hold in my heart as it came to my mind and a geyser of joy arose and filled me! God indeed has a wonder-full day planned for me today! No matter what happens. There is good for me today that I can enjoy, even if I have to lean on God a lot today because things are overwhelming. God never lets me down! God shows me He is there always with a plan, if only lessons to be learned and "muscles" to grow that keep me stronger and allow more joy and peace in my life, no matter what!

To top the morning off, I turned on one of my favorite "preachers" this morning and his teaching was on this verse, Psalm 118:24. Can you imagine that! I can! With God, those repeated frequent kind of "coincidences" are God's living signature on His whispers of love in our hearts. You can check out additional enjoyable teaching on this verse by James Merritt at the link below.

http://www.touchinglives.org/multimedia/video-broadcasts/?showVid=315

New Year! New Beginnings!

A New Year brings new beginnings! But every day, even every second, brings the opportunity to make a new beginning! Come January 1st, our minds seem to more easily shift gears to embrace the opportunity more fully! It is just one second away from December 31, but, it seems a doorway to a new world of the next year! I am thankful for that stretching of my awareness and perceptions that I can have a new beginning, especially when I have been in a slump, stuck in a valley of  seeming darkness or fighting alligators in my "swamp" of life! I get weary of the struggles against the tide washing over me, over and over! But thanks to God, I have constant opportunities to float on the wings of my God, rest in the peace of acceptance of life on life's terms, knowing my God loves me and provides all I need if I but surrender all to God and ask for help and wisdom about what choices I do have to better my situation and avoid the pitfalls of despair and hopelessness. If I wait patiently, listen and follow the still small voice, I find new beginnings, providence and opportunities I never realized were just waiting for me to discover!! Oh, the joy of letting go and letting God!!