I love a mystery! Do you? Really?

I have always loved mysteries! Mystery stories, mystery quizzes, mystery puzzles. Anything that was missing an explanation. I loved Perry Mason, Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, who-done-it's. And figuring out how it was done: CSI, the TV series and all the spin-offs. That is the catch of many soap operas: trying to figure out what really happened, what was going to happen, to whom and when. Who shot President Kennedy? Was there really a Bermuda Triangle? How do caterpillars become butterflies? All mysteries. Solving them can be fun, satisfying and certainly brain challenging. Hence the popularity of the TV series LOST. There was a year the series got too confusing and people stopped watching. They could not figure enough out.

The biggest mystery of all: GOD. Is there a God? Who is God? Where is God? What is God doing? What is God going to do? Only one problem. God is unfathomable. We cannot figure that out and sometimes, that makes us angry or at least frustrated and confused. We really do not like mysteries we cannot solve or are not revealed to us satisfactorily. The secret to keeping us hooked is just enough information to keep us thinking we are going to get the answers we think we want. But with God, often there are no answers. And some of the answers are not what we want to hear.

The real secret, that brings peace and joy, is we do not have to figure it out! We just have to come to believe and accept what is out of our control, doing what we can to change things for the better. But that is not easy for most of us. We want to understand. We want to see, and feel, and know the answers. And we want the answers to satisfy our sense of right and wrong, and justice and fairness. If we could see the whole picture, from beginning to end, with all the multitude of players and histories; if we could possibly even begin to comprehend all of what is or ever has been in every moment of every things' existence until the end of time, we might just come to understand with satisfaction and compassion. But that is impossible. Only God can know all that is for all time for all things and "figure it out".

So the mystery remains a mystery. But when we accept what is seen and known as part of a much bigger picture and enjoy the parts that are there for us to enjoy every moment, enduring what is painful when it is, even if seemingly unbearable, we can grow to an awareness of a God who loves us unconditionally, leading us along the best path possible, providing everything we need along the way, bringing good things out of painful things, and comforting and healing the pains we have to endure. And, it gets easier. We grow more peaceful, more thankful, more patient, more loving, more strong. We learn about ourselves, and others and about God. We do what we can to make things better for everyone. And we can give up trying to solve the mystery and begin to find gratitude and awe in the mystery that enfolds us with love, compassion, provision, mercy, wisdom and grace in unbelievable ways, beyond our imagination or ability to find the answers in any way that makes sense or gives timely satisfaction.

The Cycle of Life, Losses and Transitions

This is the centerpiece from the reception after my mother's memorial yesterday. The roses were almost closed yesterday, promising more beauty to come upon opening. I debated in my mind if I really wanted to keep the token of her memorial, as if trying to keep away the grief, but something inside urged me to take it home and display it in a prominent place.

The memorial was perfect in so many ways. The readings, music, and sermon all provided a message and experience of celebrating the movement from life to death as a transition, not an ending. The sermon particularly and poignantly directed us to the mystery of God and God's ways! God uses everything for good according to God's purposes, which are better than we could ask, hope for, or imagine. Along the way there are losses, disappointments, even tragedies, that cause pain. But God can redeem anything and turn it into blessings for ourselves and others.

In death and after, there is loss and it hurts, some times more than others, like waves crashing on shore. Some waves are barely noticed, others knock you over or, at least off your path, and, at the very least, creating unbalance, later causing you to fall down. Often the waves that are hardest come unexpectedly in surprising ways. The memories that appear are mixed and travel the mind, dancing to different rhythms and pausing over some more than others, provoking a variety of feelings, like the sounds of various instruments in an orchestra's performance. Some of the movements are difficult, others almost impossible to bear.

A few of the losses I have experienced cannot be shared with most people, others are losses I thought might be temprorary abscences of important aspects of my life, things that I gave up over the last 4 years in my decision to help my mom have more quality of life, while maintianing my health. Some of those losses I am now finding I can never recapture or retrieve. More death, more empty places to fill!

I passed by the floral arrangement this morning barely noticing, perhaps even denying its existence in the room, like I sometimes do with my feelings. Later today, I felt some sadness and tears from various sources of pain, and looking at the memorial token, I was reminded of the love and support I felt yesterday, something I have been deprived of for many months by the demands of my mother's care. The warmth and soothing washed over me and I noticed the open roses delivering their promise of more beauty and the expansion of my life into new blossoms and the ongoing cycle of life.

Inspiring an attitude of gratitude! Live joyfully!

I dare you to watch this and not be aware of lots of reasons to be thankful!! An inspiring video on how we can be happy and live joyfully, no matter the circumstances. There are always things to be thankful and joyful about in our lives! A reminder when we feel sad or sorry for ourselves is to watch this or think about the many people suffering or managing with so much less than we have. I am so thankful for good friends, great weather, breathing, the ability to walk and see the beauty around me, the ability to listen and hear birds singing and music playing whenever I want!! How great is that!! When I am sad, when I am experiencing a loss or painful circumstances, I let myself feel the pain and sadness and remind myself of all the good things, giving thanks to God! Rejoice always! And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds! (Philippians 4:6-8.) Not only thinking gratitude, but saying out loud how thankful I am, makes my life better and better every day and brings to my awareness more and more the many gifts given to me every day of my life, no matter what else is going on!!!

Adieu's,goodbye's and farewells--

Today I am thinking about the people who leave our lives as someone dear to me is getting ready to leave our community. I have been with this person in various activities every week for over twenty years. Departures are sad, especially when we have been close to someone, or a person has played a big part in our lives for a long time. It is like a part of you is going away with them. Even a year past can feel like that. I am feeling a bit nostalgic about 2009, even though I was glad to see it go because it brought me much pain and difficulty. But I have grown more this year than I have in many before. I am not glad to see this person go! When we intersect with each other in intimate relationships, where we share ourselves authentically and openly, we risk ourselves and our hearts. It is like combining ingredients in a casserole. Sometimes things get messy, sometimes one ingredient enhances another, sometimes an ingredient overwhelms to the point of a bad taste, or can even give a stomach ache. Often it is in the preparation that things go well. I usually learn what goes well with what and in what quantity. Often when adding new ingredients, I find an even better recipe I can enjoy and pass on to others! That recipe is me! This person has contributed to my growth in many ways and enhanced my life through their presence and actions in it. The road has not always been easy, but ultimately God uses everything for our good, for our growth or for another's, to point out our character flaws through our reactions to each other, giving us a chance to observe and consider alternate choices when things do not feel right or good or are painful. It gives us opportunities to grow by learning to do things better for ourselves, our joy, our peace and for others. I bid adieu for today and mazel tov for your journey! Love, Dee

Acceptance is the Key - continued

Acceptance is a very large topic! At a meeting yesterday, both readings selected for the day were on acceptance, so I thought I would continue from my last post. When I was a child, acceptance was not a choice. I had to accept everything, because I had no power and actually was in danger if I did not accept things as they were. As I got older, I learned ways to react without acceptance: arguing, getting angry or upset, rejection, judgement, manipulation, despair, isolation, etc. I became independent and "in control" of my life, or so I thought! Twenty+ years ago I became disabled. Unable to work, I lost my career. Eventually, I lost my marriage and my savings and I accumulated much medical expense related debt. I started on a journey of exploring the meaning of my life and its relationship to my belief in God. That journey has taken me a lot of places, and I have learned acceptance at many levels, and still learning. Seven years ago, I nearly died (for the second time). I had learned to accept my circumstances so I was not afraid. Accepting other people's behavior, especially when hurtful, was much harder. But in doing so, my life became much more enjoyable, despite any difficult people or circumstances. I learned to set boundaries when necessary to protect myself and that when I let go of others' behaviors, a lot of stress goes away and I can focus on more positive things if I choose. Accepting myself has been the most difficult task because awareness of not accepting myself is so unconscious but integral to my happiness and peace. God grant me acceptance of myself in all my ways and beings. Love, Dee

The Choice: Fear or Faith

What to do about fear? I grew up in a household of fear, with abuse and even violence in my extended family, and at home every day. By adolescence it became a normal state of being. I chose other relationships like my childhood ones without even realizing it. Fear causes stress and stress leads to dis-ease: in mind, heart, body and spirit. Today's world is full of messages of fear in media, advertising, news, movies and music. We can hear it in everyday conversations around us and with us. Fear causes an adrenalin reaction and can be addictive, hence the love of horror movies. Ultimately fear takes joy out of life and can hasten death. I nearly died and fear was a big part. I am finding a better WAY that leads to serenity, peace, joy and fulfillment. That WAY is faith. But faith is not easy. It takes work and action. Faith is trusting in life, in ourselves, in something greater than ourselves, especially when we find we cannot handle it, alone or otherwise. It is coming to believe that life is ultimately good and there is meaning to suffering, hardship and loss. It is coming to believe that all is well and good no matter what our experience at the moment. I am coming to believe all of that. But not without faith in God. Stay tuned! Peace be with you. Dee